10 Commandments (by Ms. Jenna Jameson)

I. THOU SHALT NOT

drive a Porsche and then take me back to your studio apartment in Valencia.

II. THOU SHALT NOT speak any of the following lines:
a. "I'll just put the head in."
b. "So does this mean I'm not getting any?"
c. "We don't have to use a condom; I've never had a problem before."
d. "What do you mean you don't want to cuddle?"
e. "My friends will never believe this."
f. "I can put all those guys you've worked with to shame."
g. "I ran out of money. Where's your purse?"
h. "These sex toys are basically new."
i. "We have to be quite. My mother's sleeping."
j. "Your tits feel almost as good as my sister's."
k. "I swear the camera is not on."
l. "Well, my ex-girlfriend used to do it."
m. "If it's the police, tell them I'm not home."
n. "It's not contagious anymore."

III. THOU SHALT NOT keep ypur dead pets preserved in Saran Wrap in the freezer.

IV. THOU SHALT NOT ask me to quit smoking, drinking, taking pills, or watching reality TV shows.

V. THOU SHALT NOT have any of the following items in your house:
a. A face tanner.
b. A douche bag in the shower.
c. Tubes of Preparation H in the medicine cabinet.
d. Meals prepared by your mother in the refrigerator, each in a Tupperware container labeled for a different day of the week.
e. Posters in the bedroom of Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, Bill O'Reilly, or any other porn star who has writeen a book that can possible compete with mine.
f. Dirty laundry that has been folded and stacked in neat piles.
g. Make up from an ex-girlfriend of more than six months, especially if her last names was James.
h. More fur coats than I have.

VI. THOU SHALT NOT be able to take a bigger dildo than I can.

VII. THOU SHALT NOT have a tan line in the shape of a thong.

VIII. THOU SHALT NOT pass gas in front of me, pick your nose and flick the boogers, cry on the first day, or, most egregiously, put your hand down your pants, check ypur smell, and the lean over to kiss me with your face reeking of ass.

IX. THOU SHALT NOT pretend like it slipped. (I refer here to back-door guys who try to put it in your butt every other stroke.)

X. THOU MAY leave the toilet seat up. But thou shalt not leave the toilet seat down and pee on it.